Cupid and Santa Claus are hanging out at
their favorite pub. “Feelings” is playing on the jukebox in the
background.“Would somebody turn that drivel
off?!” says Cupid miserably.
“What?!” exclaims Santa. “I thought it would help put
you in the mood for your upcoming Big Day. Ho-ho-ho! It’s nearly
Valentine’s Day, you know."
“Ho, ho
yourself, big guy. Don’t remind me!”
“What’s wrong?” asks Santa. “You look exhausted, and
it’s not even Valentine’s Day yet.”
“You just don’t
understand.”
“Understand what?” Santa asks indignantly. “Hard work?
Traveling around the world at breakneck speed? Don’t tell me that I
don’t understand, Lover-Boy!”
“You only work
one day a year, my dear fat elf—whereas I work every day of the year.”
“Don’t give me that,” Santa sputters. “Valentine’s Day
comes but once a year, just like Christmas.”
“Ah, but people
fall in love all the time, every day, all year long!” Cupid points out.
“That means I’m on the move every day all year long. I never get to
rest!”
Santa’s beard and bushy eyebrows bunch up in a puzzled
frown.
Cupid
continues: “Sure, you work hard, Nicholas—but let’s be honest. Your job
gets easier every year. Your new Naughty-and-Nice Software frees you up
for the entire summer. And I hear rumors that your sleigh now has Star
Trek space warp technology. Sure, you work hard—for one night. But then
you can kick-back and relax for the rest of the year.”
“Hey, managing a gaggle of elves is no simple task!
It’s a full-time job.”
“What I
wouldn’t give to have a staff—any kind of staff,” Cupid sighs. “Even a
few unskilled cherubs would help. But no! It’s just me, one pair of
wings and this bow. Did you know that I have to buy my own arrows?”
“Perhaps I can get some elves working on cheaper
arrows for you. Did you know that I now supply 52 percent of all the
Easter eggs worldwide? I’m also diversifying into Halloween candy and
Independence Day fireworks. I’m sure we could work out something for
you.”
“Thanks—I
appreciate that. But it’s the non-stop nature of the work that really
gets to me. And, do you know how fast those humans are reproducing?!”
“Tell me about it,” Santa nods. “But isn’t it fun to
play matchmaker?”
“Fun? Hah! I
have to analyze thousands of complex personality profiles every day. The
possible combinations of couples is astronomical! Believe me, it’s not
as simple as that Mars/Venus crap makes it sound.” Cupid’s chubby face
was turning red with emotion. “And it’s so disheartening that people
only think about me on Valentine’s Day.”
“But I thought Valentine’s Day was your day to shine,”
says Santa.
“You just don’t
get it do you?” Cupid shouts, banging his tiny fist on the table. “My
job is to help people fall in love. Valentine’s Day is about celebrating
love. Valentine’s Day is not about creating that love! February 14th is
actually my least busy day of the year! As a matter of fact,” Cupid says
miserably, “there are 23 percent more lover’s spats on Valentine’s Day
than on any other single day of the year!”
“No!” exclaims a wide-eyed Santa.
“Yes,” says
Cupid, as he glances sideways furtively, “and keep that to yourself,
would ya?” Santa nods. “I hate to admit this,” Cupid leans closer, “but
I’m moving so fast that I’m starting to make some mistakes.”
“No!” Santa gasps. “Who?”
“Well, first
there was Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley—”
“Yeah, I did find that one a bit odd,” Santa says.
“—and then
there’s Woody Allen and Sung Lee. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.”
Santa pats Cupid on the shoulder. “Hey, bud, we all
make occasional mistakes. Do you know how often Punxsatawney Phil is
wrong about the weather on Groundhog Day?”
“So now you’re
comparing me to a groundhog?” Cupid moans. “I tell ya, I don’t get no
respect.”
“Oh, don’t be so sensitive,” Santa counters.
"Sensitivity is
my business!!” Cupid shouts. “Sorry. It’s just that I work so hard, and
I’m associated with a second-rate holiday.”
“What do you mean, ‘second rate’? I consider
Valentine’s Day to be right up there with Christmas and Thanksgiving.”
“Well, thanks
for the compliment, but I don’t think a holiday is in the Big Leagues
unless people get the day off work,” Cupid says.
“Hmmm.”
“Think about
it: people get time off from work to celebrate gluttony (Thanksgiving),
war (Memorial Day) and consumerism (Christmas). Don’t take this
personally—but when it comes to love, all Valentine's Day gets—no pun
intended—is lip service.”
Santa gives it one last try: “But doesn’t the personal
satisfaction make up for it?” he asked hopefully.
Cupid looked
sadly at his fat friend. “They’re all falling in love . . . and I’m
still single.”
