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Most Relationships Suck.
This Is Not an Acceptable
Excuse for Yours to Suck Too.
Don’t look at me that
way. We all know that most relationships suck.
Just because it’s not politically correct to say so doesn’t make it less
true. Look
around—at your family and friends and culture—and ask this question: “Whose
relationship would I like to emulate?” When I ask this question in seminars
of a thousand people, an uneasy silence settles over the room.
Look around—most couples’ relationships are
average/status quo/boring. (You might say many things about us
romantics—we’re idealistic, starry-eyed, a little crazy—but at least we’re
not boring.) Boring is the last thing you want to be. Being stuck in a
boring relationship is a prison sentence. Some people would say, “Tsk, tsk,
what a shame. That’s so sad.” Let’s get real: It’s not “sad”—it’s not a
“shame”—it sucks. The fact is most relationships suck. You might feel that
this is bad/disheartening news. I would suggest that it is irrelevant news.
What does this have to do with you? Nothing! You want your relationship to
be at the far end of the Bell Curve—where the few high achievers are—where
the successful, happy, romantic couples are.
The cynics latch onto the fact that there are so
few great/romantic relationships and they conclude that it’s impossible for
the average person—for you—to have one. And further, that it’s foolish to
even attempt the feat. Cynicism is the rationalization of jealous
underachievers. Don’t let the cult of mediocrity cheat you out of the
relationship you deserve.
Bring Food.
Arrive Naked.
There
may be a man who would not be gaga if his lover appeared at the door in this
manner, but in twenty years of teaching Romance Seminars, I’ve never met
one.
And while this advice
will certainly work for singles, it is really intended for marrieds. I
understand from watching Friends and Sex and the City that this kind of
behavior is commonplace in the singles world. It’s here among the veteran
marrieds that these kinds of antics are lacking/desired/needed/fantasized
about.
Food Note: Anything fancier than a pizza is
unnecessary.
Garment Note: High heels are allowed.
Bring Food. Arrive Naked. (Part 2)
I try. I really do.
I try to find romantic ideas that are specifically for one gender and not
the other. You know, Mars/Venus and all that crap. But ninety-nine percent
of all romantic gestures work equally well, regardless of which gender is
giving or receiving.
I’d long thought that this idea was really a guy
thing. Because when I suggest it in seminars, the guys hoot and holler and
stamp their feet. But then after the seminar, women would take me by the
elbow and confide: “It would drive me wild if my guy did this for me! Give
me a man in a trench coat with a plate of Godiva chocolates, over a guy in a
tuxedo with flowers any day!”
Go figure.
But Is
Romance Cool?
The male of the
species is driven primarily by the desire to be cool. What about money,
power and sex? They’re merely alternate routes to being cool.
The question of the day is, of course: “Is
romance cool?”
 Romance is not cool if you define it as fawning, beseeching, insecure
and obligatory.
Romance is cool if you define it as genuine, heartfelt, passionate,
rule-breaking, risk-taking, confident-to-the-point-of-cockiness, outrageous,
and creative.
Be a Fool
for Love.
But Don’t Be a Flaming Idiot for Love.
There is a
difference. A fool for love walks two inches above the ground. A flaming
idiot for love walks over the edge of the cliff. A fool for love sits in a
dark room and listens to sad songs when a love affair goes sour. A flaming
idiot for love vows revenge in a jealous rage. A fool for love sings silly
love songs. A flaming idiot for love crosses the line that separates passion
from obsession, swooning from stupidity, and pursuit from stalking. Romantic
pursuit is depicted in the classic film The Graduate. Obsessive stalking is
depicted in the dramatic thriller Fatal Attraction. See the difference?
Hopeless and
Incurable.
Why
are romantics dismissed as depressed and diseased? It is, I suspect, the
attempt of a dysfunctional society to help its unhappy majority feel better
about themselves by denigrating the happy lovebirds among us. It’s like when
school kids tease the smartest kid in class. “Dweeb!” “Nerd!” If love were money, Bill Gates would be Fred Astaire.
Grow Up.
Can
I talk to the adult part of your personality? The part that doesn’t giggle
when sex is mentioned; the part that takes responsibility for your actions.
Okay, here’s the deal: It’s time for you to take over. Enough of the
childish crying over the fact that no one reads your mind and fulfills your
every need; enough of the adolescent yearning for that perfect partner;
enough of allowing your semi-suppressed unconscious fantasies to dictate
your expectations.
Notice that I did not
say that I wanted you to banish the childish, adolescent and unconscious
parts of your personality. I said I wanted your adult self to “take over.”
You need the child, adolescent and unconscious parts of yourself. They
contain your creativity, curiosity, joy and wonder. It’s great to let those
parts of your personality come out and play, exercise themselves, and
express themselves. But at the end of the day someone’s got to take
responsibility.
Does this sound, somehow, “unromantic”? Well,
too bad. You want real love? Then grow up. When people leave romance in the
hands of their immature selves, is it any wonder that so many relationships
are car wrecks? This is exactly the
problem with “old-fashioned” romance—it’s immature. What do you expect when
Cupid (a cute, little, naked, angel-baby-cherub)
is in charge?
Never Give
Flowers.*
After
you give her that first bunch of roses, that first bouquet of mixed flowers,
that first single red rose, you should never again give flowers like a
normal person. If you don’t give it a twist—if you’re not creative about it,
if it’s not personalized somehow—you’re making a Big Mistake.
Give a dozen roses—one-rose-at-a-time. She
wakes up in the morning to discover a single red rose on her bedstand; she
finds a rose in the sink; and another in a coffee cup; one on her car seat;
one on her office desk, etc.
Remove the thorns from one red rose. Attach a
note: “All the love. None of
the pain.”
Give him one daisy. Here’s the note:
“She loves me. She loves me not...” [Make certain there are an odd number of
petals on the daisy.]
Cooties are Real.
There is an undeniable “feminine energy” around
women, and a definite “masculine energy” around men. Boys and girls, being
brighter than we adults are, have a word for it: Cooties. Watch children
between the ages of five and eight playing together and you’ll see the boys
and girls act out the essence and the particulars of all male-female
relationships: The Chase; the Delight/Fear; the Attraction/Flight; the
Flirting/Coyness; the Thrill of the Game. Do you remember when you were a
kid? Sure, it was a more innocent game back then. It was a simple matter of
not letting a member of the opposite sex touch you. Very concrete. As we
grow up the game doesn’t really change. The rules just get more subtle—and
more confusing. And while physical touching remains an important aspect of
the game (!) the real challenge/fear/excitement is around being touched
emotionally. And don’t tell me that you’ve never run away from emotional
intimacy as if he or she had Cooties.
Be Reckless With Your
Heart.
Hearts don’t break. Your heart has nothing to
do with love. It’s a pump.
A squishy, two-pound
muscle that pumps blood. (Yeech.)
Emotions are not located in the heart. It’s a metaphor. A way to help you
envision/embody your emotions. So what’s the harm? The harm is in taking it
too literally and allowing it to affect your actions. The heart/love
metaphor restricts you, makes you smaller, more conservative—which is the
exact opposite of what love is supposed to do: Expand you, strengthen you,
deepen you.
If you believe that
hearts break—if they’re marvelous but fragile, like Waterford Crystal—then
it makes sense that you would treat yours with kid gloves . . . and keep it
locked away in a cabinet most of the time. But hearts—or rather,
emotions—don’t break. Never.
Be reckless with your
heart. Don’t hold back. Go for it. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in
love again. Yes, it hurts. It hurts a lot. But nothing breaks. As a matter
of fact, falling in and out of love strengthens you. It is precisely the
process by which one acquires experience which leads to maturity. And done
properly, this
“love thing” can even lead to wisdom. Imagine that.
Historical note: The
ancient Greeks believed that love resided in the liver, not the heart. Just
imagine the kind of Valentine cards that would lead to! (Yeech.)
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